Removing Brick's (A Personal Memoir)

It is 6 am. I woke up thinking about how far I’ve come as a woman. I was a terrible mess at 18. My definition of the right man was obviously the wrong man. If the dude wasn’t a major dope boy and feared by people in the streets then I wouldn’t be attracted to him. Now that I look back at it I think I was more attracted to the lifestyle. I mean not many chicks where I’m from were rocking the latest designer fashion. I thought it made me better…it just made me a fool. After the drama of that relationship unfolded I was seriously depress. Why… because I had to go back to the way I was living before the dope boy… broke and penniless. One of the hardest things to deal with is to experiences some sort of money for the first time in your life and have it abruptly taken away from you. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. Any person raised in a poor environment can tell you that. When you’re raised in a poor environment you don’t want to grow up and become a product of it. I wouldn’t change the million times my mother had to move us around and the million schools’ I had to go too. It was rough as fuck but it made me who I am today. I am a strong woman that can handle anything. After my dope boy the bricks begin to layer. My wall was slowly building.


Once I knew the dope boy wasn’t coming home anytime soon I gradually tried to move on to a (in my opinion) normal guy. I did finally meet someone after a year and a half but honestly I was still “in love” with the dope boy. I advise anyone not to start a relationship with another person if you are still pouting over the last guy. It turns into a receipt for disaster eventually. Things always start good, and this relationship wasn’t an acceptation to that rule. After awhile I grew very distant and stop communicating with him. This turned into him communicating with other women. Not to say I wasn’t pissed but could I really blame him for his choice? Honestly to live with someone for years and not have them speak to you is not a healthy relationship. To me it is no different then cheating. Before you knew it we fell apart. I learned that you can’t be in love or in a relationship with someone when you don’t know who you are yet. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to become. I had to take the time to fall in love with myself. Something I had never took the time to do before. My wall was paved with more bricks.

Did I go against my own advice…yes I did. I rebound which wasn’t a good idea but it happens. I would say I lowered my standards, but at the time I didn’t have any. I was literally open to any mans situation. I know now that you must have standard. You can’t accept anything that comes your way because most of the time it is bullshit. The rebound was a cool guy but I have never been attracted to talkers. You know the guy that says he is going to do this and that and does NOTHING. How can I support a man that doesn’t even believe the shit that comes out of his own mouth? A mans word means a hell of a lot to me. Fuck all that other shit. I’ve always been attracted to “go by what you say” type of men. I broke that relationship off because I had had enough. My brick wall grew taller. I had had enough of trying to fix men (which wasn’t my task to accomplish; it was his), but most of all I got tried of the person I was. It’s okay to have the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude for some things but not all. Looking into the mirror everyday and not seeing who I was started to take a toll on me. I finally buckled down and begin taking time out to learn myself.

I took a break from men, sex, and clubbing. It felt great to focus on me for a change. As adult we occasionally need to pay ourselves some attention. With everything we have going on in our life’s on a daily bases makes it kind of hard. I feel like it is better to find the time now then to loose your self later. I started seeing things in a better light. When you grow up in the projects you automatically assume the world is against you. It’s not true; you just have to be bold enough to make a statement. As I grew to know myself more I became a happier person in general which brought wonderful things into my life. I feel like God won’t release them to you until you believe that you sincerely deserve them. I’m only 27 and have gone through so many battles. Through all of these battles I loved receiving the reward of growth. The people who make me stronger or the one who are gradually helping me remove each brick that was laid years ago. The power of growth will always outweigh negativity when you allow it. Don’t let the bricks of your past weigh heavy in your future. It is time to let go and remove the wall.